I think it's time for an update.

So... I've been gone since April. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything important. I'm sure you can probably guess that Clomid cycles 2 and 3 were big, fat, failures. So, this is the first week of my fourth Clomid cycle.

This month, we're up to 150mg of Clomid. I have a monitoring appointment (aka: date with the dildocam) on Sunday, and I'll be doing an injection of Ovidrel at some point after that, followed by our very first IUI.

That's right, people, I've advanced far enough on this road that I don't even need to have sex to get pregnant. Go me!

So... I'm not sure how I feel about all this.

When I had the miscarriage in January, I decided to go ahead and let my family know what we've been dealing with. I announced the miscarriage and the struggle with infertility all at the same time, thinking (ha!) that it would eliminate those pesky "Aren't you guys ever going to have babies?" type of questions.

What I didn't anticipate was that this would lead to several members of my family checking in on me every two or three weeks, asking how 'everything' is going.

I know that they mean well, and I know they're probably just not sure at all how to deal with my situation. What I struggle with is what to tell them. I try to be as open as I can, and educate people as much as I can without forcing a ton of information at them all at once.

It's really difficult to explain that yes, the meds are doing what they're supposed to (barring the last cycle, which was a trainwreck), but no, I'm still not pregnant. And yes, I know it will all be worth it, if it works. And I know it'll happen eventually.

It's hard to explain to people that you have to stuff down your optimism, four weeks of being optimistic has always led to devastation when I discover that I'm back to CDfucking1. Or to explain that you can't make any plans more than a few days in advance because your entire life is broken down into five or ten day intervals between medication, injections, ultrasounds, and bloodwork. Or that you're doing all this knowing full well that in all reality, your odds of actually getting pregnant still aren't great.

And my father--bless him, for trying to be encouraging--telling me he wouldn't mind if I had twins. He'd love to have dozens of grandbabies. Honestly? At this point, I wouldn't mind twins, either. But it's not ideal. It's not what I really want. Somewhere, deep down, I'm hoping that when we start thinking about having our second baby, maybe it'll actually happen without medical intervention. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. How amazing and blessed and magical it would be to have it just happen, without even thinking about it. Without hot flashes or acne or contemplating murdering BoyWonder while he's asleep (all side effects of Clomid). And then I always return to the fact that for BoyWonder and I, as good as our life together is, nothing has come to us easily. Not one single thing.



I think we're going to keep trying treatments until the end of the year. If I hit 2013 without any success, I'm done. At least for a while. At that point, we'll be at the three-year mark. I'm already starting to feel burnt out. I say 'already,' but seriously? This shit is exhausting. Two and a half years of constant failure is quite a kick to the gut.

But anyway, what was I saying? Oh. About being done. At least for a while.

I'm looking into going back to school in January. I don't know what I'll study, or where, but I think it's time to find something I at least enjoy a little bit, and can make some decent money. Well, decent enough that I can pay off the debt I'm going to rack up in the process. Right now I'm considering becoming a medical assistant. What I really want is something in the alternative/natural health area, but the closest school for that is in Texas. And yeah, we could move (BoyWonder's company has a plant in Plano), but I really, really enjoy my family too much to leave them.

So... I don't know what my future holds, but no matter what, I'm going to do what I can to make it awesome. :)