Rambly Rambling.

For the last few weeks, I've come here, started to write something, and then gotten frustrated and deleted the entire post.

It's not that I have nothing to say, but more about the fact that I feel like I keep saying the same shit over and over and over. I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. My brain has turned into this terrible, sad, mushy mess.

A week or two ago, I made the mistake of going to my birth month board over on the forum I frequent. It was a morbid kind of curiosity that led me there, and I wasn't expecting to feel like someone sucker-punched me by the end.

In a perfect world, I would be almost halfway done right now. I would be able to find out the sex of my baby (even though we would have been--and will be--team green). I would be feeling kicks and bumps and fluttering. I would have a bump.

I want my baby.

I also realized that my EDD will almost always be during the Walnut Valley Festival, which is something BoyWonder and I do every year. This year, we'll be camping and having a good time and I'll be thinking about how I should be having a baby. Every year, I'll think about how old my baby should be. I realize that I'd be thinking about it anyway, but this is going to make it a much more prominent thought.

When we were just beginning our TTC journey, before the MFI or PCOS, I talked about how awesome it would be to have a WVF baby. I meant conception, really, but I keep thinking about how I finally got it. Just not how I wanted it. Not even close.

This whole situation has been such a mindfuck. I thought I was over being sad. I thought I was on to full-force fertility-treatment TTC mode. Using the miscarriage to fuel my resolve to have a baby (because that's totally what was holding us back before, right?).

Here's the point where I want to delete everything and stop writing.

But, I won't. I will post this. And I'll probably have something more intelligent to say soon. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I'm thinking that maybe I'll try to write something about my journey so far. And I'm considering coming out of the infertility closet on facebook... maybe. I don't know why, but I just keep feeling like it's something I should do. Step out of the dark, and into the light.