Moving Right Along...

To Cycle Five. That's right. I'm sitting here cramping and spotting. My temp dropped today.

I had hoped my big dip at 7DPO was it. But no. So here I sit, waiting for the bitch to show.

I got my first 'just relax' yesterday, secondhand. It still has me fuming.

BoyWonder has another upper respiratory infection. It has a lot to do with allergies, and probably just as much to do with his breathing toxic chemicals all day at work. So he stayed home and went to the doctor.

This is the doctor that diagnosed him with varicocele when he was a teenager. And you know teenage boys. They don't listen, and they're not paying attention or caring if the doctor says anything about their sperm count. So, since he only goes to the doctor when he's sick, I told him to ask for the rundown again. Just so he's heard it from the doctor firsthand. So he knows if he should worry.

I don't know what he said exactly. I know he told her I've been charting. Beyond that, I think he may have told her I've been upset and impatient, but I'm not certain. Anyway... She told him that he can go have an SA done if he wants but that she recommends waiting a year from when we start trying (I knew this and was not trying to get a referral). And that it's good that we're young and we should have no trouble at all. And then... Chances are that if I relax it'll happen.

Because, you know, I'm worrying so much that I've stopped ovulating. And my stress makes his swimmers unable to find their way. I mean, seriously? I understand hearing that from random people (the very, very few who know we're trying), but from a DOCTOR? He told me about that and I cried (which is probably in part because the day before AF makes her appearance is the worst day to tell me to fucking relax).

The thing is, I've tried to relax. I've tried not to think about it.

I.
Can't.
Turn.
This.
Off.

I've tried. There is no switch I can flip and stop wanting the only thing, the ONLY THING, I've ever known with certainty that I want. It's moved beyond wanting. It's an ache. A throb. A need. I can't just not think about it. I can't. I can try to distract myself. But it's only trying.

I work in my garden, and I think about how awesome it will be to have tiny gardeners to help me some year.

I work on whatever crochet project I've got going (currently, the Short and Sweet from the SNB Happy Hooker book), and I think about all the hats and blankets and tiny sweaters I want to make. I (try to) organize my house and my thoughts are that I should do it now so I don't have to live in chaos with a baby around.

So the distractions aren't really working either.

But I'm not going to give up charting. BoyWonder at least said that the doctor said it wasn't a bad idea to chart. I'll give her credit for that.

So... We talked a lot last night. He said he'd go for the test if I want him to, if I find out where he needs to go. I told him we'd wait until the end of cycle 6 (god, I hope we don't make it to cycle 6) and then talk, since we know that he has varicocele, and we know he works with every toxic chemical listed on the OSHA website.

So that's the plan. Two more rounds before he gets everything checked out.

And beyond that... We'll just play it by ear. Because we don't have money for fertility treatments if we need them. And we most likely won't have the money to adopt if we can't have our own kids. We could foster. We probably would foster. But at that point we'd just be hoping for a natural miracle.

I really hope it doesn't come to that.

Two girls I used to babysit are pregnant.
My best male friend from middle/early high school and his wife (also my friend) are expecting their first in November.

I'm happy for my friends. They will be two of the most amazing parents I've ever met, and I'm sure of that. I'm happy for one of the girls I babysat. The other one... Well, I love her. I helped raise her. But I know where she came from (like I said, I practically raised her and her sister) and it wasn't good. She doesn't have much semblance for what is normal and acceptable and I pray that she rises above her upbringing and does right for herself and her baby.

That's what gets me down. People who don't want babies have no trouble. I waited for years to get BoyWonder to decide he's ready, and now I get to wait.

I know I sound spoiled and impatient. I mean, I definitely am impatient. I know all the facts. I know there is only ever a 20% chance of conception even with ideal timing. I know it takes the average healthy couple a year to concieve. I've read the books. I've hit the websites. And I hang out on TTGP which is more full of knowledge than any other place I've been. But it doesn't make me more patient. It doesn't keep me from having a ten-minute crying jag every few weeks.

So this time around, no optimism. None. I will not notice phantom implantation dips. I will not look at my chart more than once a day. I might stop visiting The Bump more than once a day. haha.

Something's gotta give. At some point, I'll either toughen up or be knocked up. At this point I'd settle for either.