Tomorrow

I'll start testing. Maybe.

I've never been afraid of it before, but I have a feeling I'll chicken out in the morning.

My thought right now is to see what my temperature does. If it goes up/stays the same, I'll test. If it drops, I'll wait until Monday.

The thing about testing tomorrow is that it's going to be an emotional day for me. My BFF (the pregnant one, who I am incredibly happy for and also mildly jealous of) is having her gender reveal party. This isn't something I feel comfortable missing, but at the same time I'm really scared I'll end up sobbing in her bathroom soon after the cake is cut.

I haven't seen her since before she was pregnant. (Terrible friend.) I'm afraid of my jealousy. I hate that it's there, even if it is mixed with the most incredible excitement for her--I'm just as excited about this baby as I was about the Duckling. But it's the same thing now that it was then. Super happy, and yet completely outraged by my situation. And honestly, I think she's been avoiding me. I'm not sure whether to be thankful or irritated about that.

Infertility is isolating. There aren't very many people who can relate when you tell them about hoping you don't get pulled over for speeding while you have a cup full of sperm between your legs, trying to make it to the clinic within that 30-minute window. Or how a nurse may have impregnated you while your husband was at work. Or how you're considering giving yourself your next trigger shot while lying on the bathroom floor so you don't pass out, and is that a good idea?

I've tried to be very open about our journey. I hate how uneducated people are about infertility (I know it's not really their fault, but it pisses me off that if I mention I'm doing treatments the immediate response is "OMG, you can totally have twins! Wouldn't that be awesome?"). I hate that it's such a taboo topic. So I talk about it. To anyone who feels the need to ask about my reproductive system (and believe me, after being with BoyWonder for eight years, and married for the last three of them, I get asked quite often). I tell them what we're doing, and why. Maybe someday, all of us infertiles will be able to talk about our situations without the ignorant comments. Maybe.


In the last two weeks I've bounced from optimism to doom-and-gloom and back again. Now I feel this strange, uncomfortable numbness creeping in. And I find myself thinking that maybe I should just stop doing treatments if this cycle didn't work, even though realistically it probably won't happen on the first try. I'm tired. I'm kind of ready for a break, but I know I won't be able to do that until I've exhausted all the options that are available to me now.

So... I think I was mostly using this post to vent, since BoyWonder is out and about tonight. And because my brain is turning to jello at the thought of testing. ugh.