Nightmare.

Well, the good news is that I do NOT have GD.

The bad news? The roaches. Oh. My. God. The roaches.

Last week, BoyWonder used vacation on Friday, for no apparent reason. Well, he for some reason thought I'd be getting the weekend off, but that didn't happen. So he decided that it would be a good time to pull everything out of our bedroom and refinish the floor, since he didn't do it when he ripped the carpet out in March.

So, our bed got moved into Sprout's room, and everything else was pulled out into the living room. He sanded the floor down, and spent the rest of the weekend trying to bleach the dark spots out, and finally put down the finish. They're pretty, and they look a million times better than before. And--bonus--you don't get splinters when you walk across the floor now.

This all sounds great, right? Well, it was. Until it was time to start putting everything back together, and we realized that there are roaches coming into our bedroom from under the baseboards, and from the tiny nail holes in the wall.

I don't mean a few, either. I mean, you could almost sit in there and watch them come in. I think on Sunday we killed over 35 of them between the two of us. Just in our bedroom.

So, we did what any other driven-insane-by-insects couple would do. We moved the furniture from our bedroom (minus the bed) back into the bedroom. Pulled out the clothes we needed to survive the week, and BoyWonder put sticky traps down all over the floor. Along the baseboards of the exterior wall, mostly, and then a solid line of them at each doorway to (hopefully) keep them from swarming into the rest of the house.

We're still sleeping in Sprout's room.

BoyWonder also got video and still shots of the outside of our house, and the Klassy house, at night. I'd post them, but honestly, I don't ever want to see them again, although I'm going to have to, because I have to deal with the city, the owners of that property, and the county, at the very least. And I need the pictures.

To summarize, Klassy House is infested. Badly, the-stuff-of-bad-horror-movies, infested. At night, you can see hundreds of roaches crawling around inside the sliding glass door that faces our house. The ground between the houses is covered in them, like carpet. And our house? That whole side of our house is crawling with them. And you can watch them crawl right up and under our siding.

BoyWonder emailed the city. They told him they sent a letter about the trash in the yard. So he went to the office with said horrifying pictures of roaches, at which point the city told him there is nothing they can do about the roach problem. I find that hard to believe, but... Whatever.

So he emailed the owner of the property, asking them if they are aware of the problem. Now, the guy who owns this house is a small-time slumlord, and owns a large-ish used car lot outside the town I grew up in (because, you know, you have to stick to the greasy stereotypes here). We haven't received a response, and I'm not really expecting one.

But now I have to figure out what to do. It's clearly stated in the county zoning laws that it's illegal to have a roach infestation and not do anything about it. I still feel like the city should do something without my having to contact the county zoning department, but I guess not.

The exterminator (you know, the guy who told us that roaches don't really migrate from outside?) will be here tomorrow. We've got our pictures ready to go, and we're going to try to get him to help us somehow. He should have some kind of ideas, because the contract we signed with him says that if we still have roaches after three visits, he continues to treat our house for free. And as long as that house is infested, we will be, too.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. And, sadly, there aren't any really great options for alternatives, either. I'd like to just put the house up for sale and move out, but we don't have the money to do that. Or the money to put down on a new house. And this house will not pass a pest inspection. And Klassy House has brought down the value of our home so much that we'd have to take a huge loss just to get out of it.

So... I don't know. I just don't know. But it's looking a whole lot like I've got less than nine weeks to figure something out, or I'm bringing my tiny, squishy new son home to live with roaches.

Awesome. Just. Effing. Awesome.