Finally.

I had a really long and depressing 'Good Riddance to 2012' post all typed out, but it wasn't really worthy of posting.

The condensed version of why 2012 sucked:

Right off the bat, in 2012 I learned I was pregnant and miscarrying the very same day. I didn't even have a chance to be excited about being pregnant until it was basically already over.

Six failed cycles of fertility treatments.

Eleven million 'surprise' babies bombarding my facebook feed. Yeah, I'm happy-ish for most of them, but it still sucks for me.

I took a lower-stress job (and it is lower stress, and I'm happier), and now I'm so broke I can barely function without BoyWonder's money. I've been living without any of his money for our entire relationship, so it's kind of a blow to my pride. But now I get some weekends and holidays off work, so maybe it's worth it. Maybe.

My surgery revealed that all of those months of medicated/IUI cycles were a complete waste of time and money. I'm a little bitter about that. My now-nearly-empty savings account is much more bitter than I am.

My sweet friend Jody. She was the last piece of bad news this year. She was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer in 2011. In 2012 it had spread to her liver, but it was stabilized. Right before Christmas, she was rushed to the emergency room and placed in a neurological critical care unit because her brain was swelling enough that it was pressing on her brain stem. She almost died. An MRI revealed five tumors in her brain. She's the 44--the same age as my mother. She's one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and my heart breaks every time I think about the world without her.

Also, BoyWonder and I had good plans for last night.

One of our favorite bands was playing. The plan was to brave the shitty weather, go to this bar, and drink (just a beer or so for me, since I had to drive) this horrible year away.

We didn't want to go in too early, because the opening band is notorious for very long sound-checks. So, we go up about thirty minutes after they were scheduled to start (which is how we always do it), and the bar is full. They wouldn't let us in. We had no backup plans.

We rang in the new year at the casino--possibly the most depressing place in Kansas.

So...

Now it's 2013.

I want to say "Well, at least it can't get any worse," but I said that last year, and the year before that. And it seems like every year does just get worse.

So, here's my hope for 2013--I just want to see some progress.

I want to at least be closer to my rainbow baby.

I want Jody's cancer to disappear (even though I know that's not even close to likely).

I want to drop this last fifteen pounds, and I want to find a way to finally take the last step to being full paleo and dairy free without feeling deprived.

Above all, I just want to feel like myself again. To wake up happy and knowing that I'm doing something important. To love my husband and the life we have, even if it's not what I imagined for us.

And I think, maybe, that most of that can happen.