Yeah, That Just Happened

It's not often that I go on the defensive, or get upset about people being stupid ignorant uh... blissfully unaware of what goes on inside the minds of infertiles.

Part of me is glad that so few women understand well enough what it's like to go through months, years, sometimes decades of wanting and sadness and the unending ache that is infertility Hell. But the other part of me is mad. Primarily, I'm mad because of shit like this:

Please note that I very, very rarely get involved. This wasn't even my pin-it just happens to be someone else I follow. But that third comment? It rubbed some kind of nerve and gnawed at me. I waited over an hour, and when I was still irritated, I decided to say something. 

I'm still mad. And I can't believe I even did that. And I still kind of want to kick this chick in the clam. So... You've gone through infertility and loss, but don't understand the snark? The bitterness? Is this like my SIL who 'struggled' to conceive but still managed to get pregnant before she'd been trying for a year? How do you live through this shit and NOT UNDERSTAND bitterness or a little bit of harmless snark? 

I'll be honest here--there are times that bitterness and snark are the only things that keep me from completely losing my shit. Do I like that side of me? Not always. But even before I knew what a long, hard road this would be, I've always loved well-placed snark. And I appreciate some good-humored bitterness every now and then, too. 

See, there is this expectation from the fertile world that we should still be blissfully happy for everything. Happy we get to sleep through the night. Happy that Kate Middleton is pregnant, even if we've been trying to have a baby since before she was married. We should be thankful that 'at least it isn't cancer' or 'at least you get to have fun trying.' 

And, at least in my case, I am. To a degree. 

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think about how bad it's going to suck to get up several times a night to take care of a tiny human. But that thought is always immediately followed up with 'If I have a baby, I will be sofuckingthankful for every sleepless night.' 

When it comes to the people I love, I'm immensely happy when I find out there's going to be a new baby. But that happiness is always fused with thoughts of 'It's not your rurn. It's MY TURN, Asshole!' Even when it was the Duckling. Even when it was godBaby, who BFF really thought would never, ever happen. 

I am thankful I don't have a more debilitating condition. But not being able to reproduce is pretty fucking awful when you live in a world surrounded by people who can. And guess what? Both of the conditions I have actually increase the likelihood that I will develop cancer someday. 

And, for the record, trying really stops being fun after a while. Strictly scheduled, every-other-day-for-three-weeks sex isn't really all that much fun. You know what's super NOT-fun? Taking a round of medication that makes you a hot-flash-having, acne-ridden, mood-swinging monster. Followed later by giving yourself an injection of hcg (which only adds to the crazy, by the way), and then, 36-hours later, driving ten miles over the speed limit with a cup of your husband's sperm between your legs, hoping you don't get pulled over because you have to make it to the clinic within 30 minutes of production of said sperm so a nurse can maybe get you pregnant. 

So, yes, we are snarky. Sometimes, we are bitter. But some most days, it's laugh or cry. Or possibly have some kind of mental breakdown, which would probably also be frowned upon by the fertile masses. At the very least, it wouldn't be understood, and there isn't a large crowd of people who can actually sympathize. But we do. 

I've met a lot of people fighting the same battle I am. I'm incredibly thankful for all these people I've never met. They understand me. They know about all of this. 

So, if you're one of the people I'm bitching about (and if you're actually a regular reader, I'm sure you're not), do yourself, and the entire infertility community a favor. 

Either do the research and learn how to support us, or SHUT UP. 

I'll even be super nice and post some less-bitter links. 

Infertility Etiquette from Resolve

How to be Good Friends with an Infertile 

Jerkproof: How Not to Talk to Infertile Friends

There are a ton of articles I can post, but these really sum it all up.