I Think I Found My Future.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, since this is a break cycle and I don't have a lot to obsess over, and I don't really want to work myself up about this surgery.

We've been doing all kinds of things we've been putting off, thinking I'd get pregnant and be needing to buy nursery furniture and tiny clothes and all that. We bought a beautiful new entertainment center--it only took us two years to find one that we both like. BoyWonder surprised me with new end tables that match the entertainment center (Target clearance, which is a bonus).

We bought awesome clothes and looked super hot for my friend John's wedding. We ate amazing food and got a little tipsy with all my old work buddies at the reception, and then we went to BoyWonder's show at a bar, and ended up shutting the place down.

Life is good. Even though I don't have what I really, really want, my life is happy. I'm starting to feel like maybe, if it doesn't happen for us, we'll still have a great life together.

So, looking at what life could be like, I'm thinking about what I really want to do with myself. Something that allows me to do something I enjoy, that will still make enough money to pay the bills. Not just something I got a degree for so I could endure my workday and always be waiting for the weekend.

I started looking into a degree in healthcare administration. It's pretty versatile, so every few years when I've gone past my attention span for one job, I could switch to something similar, but different enough to keep me interested.

The more I think about it, the less I like the idea of having a desk job. I don't deal well with monotony or holding still... Or even staying on task, if I'm not interested in what's going on.

BoyWonder keeps asking why I don't just try to be a nurse. I keep trying to explain to him how much I hate school. Don't get me wrong--I adore learning. I research things to death. I absorb information like a sponge. I can take a topic I enjoy and regurgitate facts until people's eyes glaze over. But homework? Bad teachers? Memorization of bones and veins and muscles? Endless hours of research and writing papers about topics that make me want to die? Yeah. I'm not a fan of taking classes.

But it keeps coming back to that. The last time I went to the psychic fair (we've talked about this before. Yes, I'm aware that I'm weird, thanks.) she kept talking about my 'healing energy.' How I should probably consider a career in healthcare or holistic medicine. And when I was young (seriously, I was three or four) I used to tell people what when I grew up I wanted to be a doctor. The kind that helps babies come out.

I don't have it in me to go for a full-on doctorate. But I need to do something. I'm back to researching. I'm leaning toward either becoming a certified doula, or making a larger leap and becoming a certified nurse-midwife. I think the CNM gig would be better, but it is a lot more work and a lot of school. Probably worth it, since I have the encyclopedia sponge brain and medical things and the human body fascinate me. And I think I would enjoy it. I like helping people. I feel strongly about low-intervention birth when it's possible, and it would be incredibly rewarding.

I worry, though, that if we don't ever have children, it might make me bitter. But then, I'd be helping countless families bring home babies, so maybe that would counteract the sadness.

I don't know what BoyWonder is going to think (all of this just occurred to me today... lol), and I'm really nervous about the sudden change of direction. I need to do something, though. I can NOT stay at my current job forever. I need something that's going to make me happy.

So... I'm back to obsessively researching career opportunities. Weighing pros and cons. Trying to find people to talk to about it... In conservative Kansas, I don't know of many doulas, and a google search only turns up a couple of CNM's. I think I can do this, though. I think it's what I need to do.