In the Air.

The big appointment with the RE was Wednesday. I've waited to post an update because I'm still trying to process things, and I didn't want to come here panicking and moping and being miserable in general. I might still do that in a minute, but at least it will be a little bit more coherent.

This is how it all went down:

He walks into the room, shakes my hand, and says, "You're really not being cooperative, here." He's joking, of course. He goes on to say that he's had the other doctors in the clinic review my file and they all agreed that there is really no reason for me to not be pregnant. This is our sixth medicated cycle. While my response to the medication wasn't amazing, I did have a strong ovulation with every cycle. BoyWonder's numbers have been "not stellar, but definitely enough," to get me pregnant.

He goes on to say that he doesn't consider me infertile because I started off at the clinic with a positive pregnancy test. Granted, I was miscarrying, but BoyWonder did, in fact, knock me up. Once. Which makes me us 'not infertile.' And then he starts in with the rest of it. How, because of my history, they had skipped some of the diagnostic testing because we seemed like a relatively easy PCOS/borderline MFI (male factor infertility, for you fertiles out there) case.

Basically, I'm either incredibly unlucky, or there is something happening in my ute/tubes that we haven't tested for yet.

The plan, for now, is that if this cycle is a bust, I get to have a laparoscopy. Basically, they'll make an incision in my belly button, pump my abdomen full of air, and send a camera into my ute to check it out. If they find something (he's suspecting either fibroids or endometriosis), they'll fix it right there. If they don't, we get to do another battery of bloodwork and other testing.

I don't know how I feel about all of this. On the one hand, this cycle isn't over, so I can't justifiably fret about this too much. On the other hand, I have a lot of the symptoms of endometriosis, and I don't know if fibroids are something heritable, but I do know that my grandma struggled with them for a large portion of her life. And this is the grandma that is more like me than anyone else in my family. Of course.

For now, I'm just trying to relax. Still doing my nightly meditations, still trying to eat healthy and exercise and drink tons of water and think happy, fertile thoughts. Really, it's all I can do at this point. Wait. And wait. And wait.

This sucks.