One Foot in Front of the Other

Wanna hear something crazy? (And possibly some TMI)

Pretty sure I ovulated. Mid-miscarriage, still bleeding, but my temperature spiked today. Of course, I can't confirm that because an OPK will be positive until my pregnancy hormones go back down to zero. But still. Pretty weird.

I'm starting to feel better. Less cramping, less nausea, I don't feel as cold all the time. I also feel less like an exposed nerve. I'm trying to get my head wrapped around everything that's happened, to accept it and move on. I'm ready to see the RE. Ready to have an idea of what the plan will be.

My OB/GYN (who I'm most likely going to fire at the end of this nightmare) called to tell me she suspects the miscarriage is related to my (suspected, not confirmed) PCOS. And she was still trying to push the clomid. Which is fine, if she had planned on some kind of monitoring (but she wasn't).

But I'm trying to focus on what I can do for myself. And all the things I've already done.

I (re)quit smoking. Granted, I'm still using an electronic cigarette, but I've done a lot of research and it still seems a million times healthier than smoking. And even using this, I'm gradually tapering down to the low and zero-nicotine options, and I'm doing better than I ever have before. When I quit the first time, I never really quit wanting a cigarette. They never seemed disgusting to me.

Now, though? The smell grosses me out. I smoked one of my brother's cigarettes and ended up putting it out halfway because it tasted like I was sucking on an ashtray, and I could smell it on me for hours afterward. That being said, the hardest part has been wanting to buy cigarettes. Just to have them. I don't know why. And I've been able to talk myself out of it because if I have them, I will smoke them. Even if they are disgusting and make me feel bad.

I'm still working on my sugar problem. It's probably my biggest struggle, which is crappy because if I have PCOS, that's going to be one of the most important things I can do. It's frustrating because I think I want something sweet, but once I get that little bit of sugar I.can't.stop. I'm like a junkie. Now once I'm a day or two clear of sugar, I do fine. But it's getting to that point that's the struggle.

And caffeine. I'm working on it. I switched to half-caff two years ago, when we started TTC. Now I'm gearing myself up to go caffeine free, and I'm not looking forward to it. If it helps, though... I mean, it will help.  I'm shooting for optimal health, and caffeine free is healthy. I'll feel better, once it's all said and done. And it should make things easier when I get pregnant again, since it's always been the plan to avoid caffeine during pregnancy anyway.

My next big endeavor? Gluten-free. This terrifies me, but honestly I feel like it can't hurt, and I've noticed on the days I avoid the really obvious offenders (bread, mostly, and some cereals) I feel better. More energy, happier digestive system, better mood. I'm going to do this gradually, mostly because it's going to be a pretty big shift in my shopping habits. That, and my bakery started making artisan bread that is studded with whole cloves of garlic, and I will miss it dearly.


I'll probably start posting more regularly. I had forgotten how good it feels to write. And to take pictures of things... We'll see how it goes. But for now, I feel human, and I'm happy for that. I just can't shake the feeling that amazing things are right around the corner, and I just have to keep myself busy while I wait.