I'm not as sad as I was when I first found out.
I'm kind of excited, but still a little sad.
On the one hand, it's a really good excuse to look at baby stuff again. And it's a nice thought that perhaps Duckling will get to have a cousin that's relatively close in age. Perhaps.
And perhaps not.
It's weird. At some point I stopped really hoping. Don't get me wrong, the wanting is still there, but it's not at the front of my mind anymore. It's not what I wish for when I see a shooting star. It's not at the top of my list anymore, maybe just because I've been let down so many times on this journey.
The thing is, I've learned a lot about myself and BoyWonder on this adventure. I've learned patience. And disappointment. Lots of that. And... Anger. Trusting the Universe to put me where I need to be, when I need to be there. I've learned that I can think horrible, evil, mean thoughts that stem from jealousy and hurt.
I also know that should we ever have a baby, it will be loved more than I can even imagine. It's hard to imagine BoyWonder ever loving someone more than he loves Kitty. (Sad, right?) But someday it could happen.
I just don't care to push for it like I used to. It'll happen. Or it might not.
So instead of stressing about it, I focus on Right Now.
Right Now, I can go on vacation. It's not my favorite thing to do, to be honest (I'd much rather hang out at home and read or write or craft), but I can go, and if I wanted I could just never come home.
Right Now, I can read a book. From start to finish, in one sitting, if I choose to.
Right Now, I can sleep all night long. I can sleep until noon and then take a nap from three to five if I want to.
Oh, the things we tell ourselves.
For now, I'll be excited about Duckling. I don't know if anyone else is, right now, so I guess it's probably a good thing.
Everything else will work itself out. It will. It will.
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