Rambling

Somewhere along the way, I've lost some sense of myself. This is a realization that has come to me slowly over the last few months. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid. I'm too tired to be afraid.

Maybe it's the crappy weather today. I don't know. I'm feeling introspective (or, rather, more introspective).

BoyWonder and I have had a relatively struggle-free life, at least up until we decided we were ready to start a family. Ever since then, it feels like the Universe has kicked us down at every opportunity.

We've been trying for fourteen months now. Actually, that might be an exaggeration--we pretty much gave up once we got the first SA, and the results were so depressingly low. Anyway... of those fourteen months, I've struggled with back pain for five of them. I've had two cycles that lasted over sixty days. The miracle surgery that was supposed to be affordable is likely to bankrupt us, or put us close to it... And there is no guarantee that it will even work. Even if it does work, there is still a good chance that I have PCOS, which will involve more testing, more stress, and money for fertility treatments if we decide to take that route.

It just seems like the universe is telling us to stop, you know?

I'm exhausted. I hurt most of the time.

And I'm sad.

Not always. I have good days. I have lots of days that I'm amazed with BoyWonder, with how good my life is in comparison to where I was heading before I met him. I just hate that we have to struggle with so many things when we have worked so hard to do things 'the right way.' The responsible way.

I feel more human now than I did a month ago, and I'm slowly returning to my old happy self, but it's definitely a slow progression. I feel like I've been in a state of semi-hibernation since January. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't really want to be around people. Even people I really, really like. I just don't have the energy.

I'm working on it. Meeting with the natural health practitioner was the first step. The vitamins and liquid herbs and gradually shifting my diet back to more natural, whole foods and away from processed, sugary, carb-laden deliciousness are the process, and I think they're working.

So maybe this is why we've struggled. I'm the type of person who, while I'm not religious at all, believes that everything has a purpose. Every struggle, every hitch in the plans, is for a reason. I have to tell these things to myself.

I didn't get pregnant right away because my body was too weak to handle it. What kind of situation would I be in if I'd gotten pregnant and then my back had gone out? It would have been a million times worse, physical therapy would probably have been impossible. I might have a baby I couldn't carry around and hold and play with because of the pain.

Or, maybe it was because I'm not healthy enough in general. I can be honest with myself. My diet was poor at best. I'm not obese, but I could have easily gotten there had I not made some serious adjustments. Since starting the vitamins and herbs and superfoods, I haven't craved sugar and carbs like I used to. I've been craving lean meat and vegetables and fruit. I'm serious. For lunch yesterday I had hummus and veggies off the salad bar at work and I swear it tasted better than the Chinese food I had last week. The bonus? I felt awesome for the rest of the day. Not bloated or sluggish. Just... Like my body was working the way it's supposed to. It's a good feeling.

So... In other news, I'm thinking about changing my major. Again. This time would mean leaving Butler altogether. I talked to BoyWonder about it, and he wants me to finish my associate's in social work first. I think I will, just because I'm finally almost halfway (don't judge... I've been taking a class or two at a time for years now) and I hate to think of all the money I spent. I don't want to waste it. But I'm leaning toward getting certified to be a natural health practitioner.

I know it's weird, and that I'm going to be ridiculed for it (probably). In fact, even BoyWonder was kind of shitty about it. But here's the thing: I don't trust regular doctors. I don't like prescription medication unless it's absolutely necessary. It's just the way I am, and probably the way I was raised.

I want a career that allows me to help people. I want to do something I enjoy. Something that doesn't break my heart every day (I'm afraid social work will), and, honestly, I want something that will pay me better than Dillons does. Social work isn't going to do that.

Natural health is a growing field, and I think that as more people get fed up with western medicine the field will continue to grow. I think there have to be more people like me. For example... My back pain is classified as severe chronic pain. If I wanted to, I could probably take whatever pills I ask the doctor for (within reason). The problem with that (for me, anyway) is that they have side effects. They make my mouth dry. They make me constipated. They turn me into an irritable, easily frustrated mess. So I take these pills, and then I need to triple my water intake, take a laxative, and everyone around me wishes I would take something to make me happier (I don't know if people really wish that. I hope I contain myself better than what I hear going on in my brain). That's not better. Even if I might hurt less (which hasn't been the case so far), I'm still pumping those extra chemicals into my body.

I don't know. I'm still doing research. Chances are that by the time I'm done at Butler I'll have changed my mind again. But it's definitely a thought. This gives me time to do my research and really decide what I want for myself, and convince BoyWonder if I need to.

So... Enough of that.

Today's my day off.

My car is in the shop again. They're fixing the AC that was just replaced, but didn't blow cold air.

I have physical therapy this afternoon, and I have to schedule a follow-up with my MD for next week, since my script for PT is up next Wednesday. I'm kind of hoping she decides not to send me for an MRI. We shall see. I mean, I wouldn't mind the MRI, but I do mind paying for it. I mean, really paying for it wouldn't be that bad either, if I had money. But I'm broke, and will continue to live on a shoestring budget until we know our final cost of the miracle surgery.

If you survived this post... Maybe I'll bring cookies next time.