ugh

Last week, two people in my life died. Not key roles in my life, perhaps, but still, they were people I genuinely liked, gone far too soon.

David Kohls was my principal in middle school, my brothers’ coach, my mother’s former boss and friend. It is a huge loss for our community.

John Michael Marlnee was a goofy, sometimes annoying boy I went to school with for nearly all my life. He was always nice to me, and we took a math class together, which consisted of a lot of kids who struggled with math (or in my case, the teacher of the higher math classes) goofing off and being complete smart asses. I still can’t remember the last time I saw him, if I talked to him… I think it was at a gas station somewhere. Can’t remember, for the life of me. He was growing to be a good man. Possibly still goofy and annoying, but goodhearted all the same.

So on Tuesday, I went to a funeral.

Tomorrow at this time, I’ll be at another one.

On top of everything else, I’m stressed out. We’re down to one vehicle (until later today, when BoyWonder picks it up), and I’m tired, and I’m sad… So things on the relationship-front are following suit. I’m trying to be okay. I am. But I’m not really okay, but I’m not so messed up that I’m really, truly breaking down.

I’ve been listening to a shit ton of Fiona Apple lately, and making semi-recycled blank journals, and trying to re-imagine this apartment with more shelving and storage. It might take me all winter and part of spring to get it right, but what I’ve decided is that while I’m here, I may as well be honing in on some amazing storage. It might be custom for this apartment, but I know I’ll use it in another place, too.

I just keep imagining that if I can get this apartment into a state I can stand to look at every day, the rest of my life should get at least a little better… right? I would feel better. The boy would, too.

Storage like I’m wanting is kind of expensive on my budget, but I think that I can talk him into splitting the cost with me--he makes almost three times what I do, so I’m going to bargain with him to pay 75%. It’s for both of us. It will make both of us happy, but I can’t do it on minimum wage.

I want some more bracketless shelves. We have one already, which houses some of our DVDs. I’d like to have four more, all of them for the movies (yes, we have that many… Or we will, at some point). I’ve got a couple of really neat umbra invisible bookshelves, too. I might do that today. But where? Hmmm…

There’s also a big, freestanding shelf I want for the kitchen.
It should hold the microwave, the blender and food processor, and the crock pot… Some produce, maybe, and canisters and such. It would be awesome, to say the very least. And not all that expensive, for the space it would give us in return.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about the bathroom, though. It’s going to involve taking things down and shifting things around… Strategic placement of shelves… I’m not looking forward to it.

I’ll do a little bit today-- I felt really, really horrible at work. I still feel pretty awful, but it’s really not as horrible if you’re not pushing grocery carts five at a time into the store, and having to move quickly and efficiently and still be nice to the snobby bitch I’m talking to… I can kind of putter around the apartment today and clean and reorganize and try to calm myself down.